Are You a "Fixer"? The Hidden Link Between People-Pleasing and Fixing People

🎶 Bob the Builder, can you fix it?🎶

If you grew up with that song, chances are it is still lodged somewhere in your brain. For some of us, “Can you fix it?” became more than a childhood tune. It became a life role.

If you are often the one jumping in to solve problems, smoothing things over in relationships, or offering advice before anyone has even asked, you might be the fixer in your friendships, family, or relationships.

Let’s talk about what that really means and why it can leave you feeling drained. (especially if you’re a people-pleaser).

What does it mean if you are a fixer?

Being a fixer means you have taken on the unofficial job of making everything okay. This often comes at the cost of your own peace. You might notice yourself:

• Jumping in with solutions before someone has finished speaking.

• Feeling responsible for how others feel or behave.

• Struggling to sit with discomfort from yourself or others.

• Feeling burnt out from carrying emotional weight that does not belong to you.

Many fixers grew up in environments where they had to be helpful to feel safe, loved, or valued. What began as a way to feel secure can turn into a habit that leaves you placing yourself last.

What type of personality is a fixer?

Fixers are often empathic, sensitive, and highly aware of the moods and needs of others. Many learned to be emotionally mature at a young age. Perhaps you were the peacekeeper in the family or the one who made sure everyone else was happy.

Being a fixer often shows up in people who are:

• Anxiously attached — needing to feel useful to stay connected.

• Highly empathetic — feeling other people’s pain like it’s your own.

• People-pleasers — afraid of disappointing others or being “too much” if they set boundaries.

• Oldest daughters (or eldest siblings) — yep, it’s a thing.

It’s not your fault. These patterns usually form for really good reasons. You are allowed to explore ways of relating that do not rely on them.

Fixer vs. real helper — what’s the difference?

Helping someone and fixing someone aren’t the same thing. Here’s how to spot the difference:

Fixing	Helping
Comes from anxiety — “I can’t handle their discomfort, so I need to solve it.”	Comes from care — “I’m here to support if they want it.”
Often takes over responsibility	Leaves responsibility with the person
Can feel intrusive or controlling	Feels supportive and respectful
Leaves you drained	Leaves you connected

Real helping empowers the other person. Fixing often accidentally disempowers them, even though the intention was good.

Is being a fixer a good thing?

Being someone who wants to support others is beautiful. But if fixing is leaving you exhausted, resentful, or invisible in your own life, it’s time to shift and introduce some boundaries.

Healthy relationships don’t require you to be the emotional janitor. You don’t have to clean up every mess to be worthy of love, care, or belonging. The goal isn’t to stop caring. It’s to care without making someone else’s feelings or choices your responsibility.

So… how do you stop being the fixer?

• Pause before you jump in. Ask: Do they want advice or just someone to listen?

• Let people have their feelings. Discomfort isn’t always yours to solve.

• Remind yourself: You’re not responsible for other people’s growth.

• Start practicing receiving. You deserve care too, not just to give it.

Final thoughts:

You don’t have to retire your inner Bob the Builder completely. But you can take breaks. You can choose to stay present with your own discomfort instead of rushing to rescue others. You can learn to sit with the mess of relationships, knowing you don’t have to be the emotional handyman all the time.

You don’t have to fix everything to be worthy of love. You are worthy of love and connection simply for who you are. It’s safe to put the toolbox down now. 🛠️

If you’re a recovering fixer, what’s one thing that’s helped you break the habit? 🌸

Can’t Stop Overthinking? Here’s Why Your Brain Won’t Chill

You’re finally in bed, ready to rest, and suddenly your mind decides it’s time to replay that one awkward thing you said hours ago. You leave a social event and start questioning everything you said. Did I talk too much? Not enough? Did I overshare? You wake up and your brain is already running through your to-do list.

If any of this feels familiar — hi, welcome. You’re likely an overthinker. If you’re also anxiously attached and tend to people please, it makes sense that your mind doesn’t switch off.

Let’s explore why.

What Is Overthinking a Symptom Of?

Overthinking is often a coping mechanism. For many anxiously attached people-pleasers, it becomes a way to try to control how others see them or avoid rejection.

It’s tied to a nervous system that’s always on high alert. When you grow up in an environment where love or connection feels conditional, your mind learns to stay busy scanning for ways to stay safe. Overthinking becomes a survival strategy that keeps you alert and prepared. And when you’re also a people-pleaser? That overthinking gets even louder — because you’re not just thinking for yourself, you’re trying to anticipate everyone else’s feelings too.

Why You Might Be an Overthinker

Somewhere along the way, overthinking helped you survive. It helped you stay one step ahead. It kept you from being caught off guard. It helped you feel prepared.

You might’ve learned to:

• Read between the lines in every interaction.

• Second-guess yourself constantly.

• Apologise before you’ve even done something wrong

• Rehearse conversations or obsess over text messages.

What Is the Best Treatment for Overthinking?

There’s no one-size-fits-all answer, but here’s what’s been most effective for the people I work with:

🧠 Therapy – Especially attachment-based, inner child, or somatic therapy that helps calm your nervous system.

💭 Mindfulness – Learning to notice thoughts without attaching to them.

💗 Self-compassion – Meeting your inner overthinker with kindness instead of criticism.

🧍‍♀️ Body-based practices – Grounding exercises, movement, and breathwork can help interrupt the spirals and bring you back to the present.

How to Turn the Volume Down on Overthinking

You might not stop overthinking entirely, but you can create more space between your thoughts and your reactions:

• Name it. Just noticing: “Ah, I’m overthinking again” helps create some distance.

• Limit rumination: Set a timer. Give yourself 5–10 minutes to spiral, then shift your attention (even just by changing your environment).

• Use your body: Move. Shake it out. Stretch. Go for a walk. Overthinking lives in the head, and your body is your way out.

• Ask what you need: Behind every overthinking loop is a feeling and a need. Can you offer yourself some safety, reassurance, or rest?

Final Thoughts

Overthinking often begins as a way to feel safe, loved, and accepted. It’s common for people pleasers and those who grew up feeling like they had to keep the peace. The goal isn’t to stop every anxious thought. It’s to understand why they show up, meet them with compassion, and create practices that help your mind feel calmer.

💬 What’s one thing that helps you calm your mind when it won’t switch off?

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The Hidden Cost of Repressed Anger in Women

How do you feel about anger?

You’re not sure? Maybe a bit uncomfortable? That makes sense.

Women often weren’t taught how to express our anger, let alone feel it. Instead, we were encouraged to be easygoing, agreeable, and accommodating. And when anger did show up? We were often shamed for it — labelled “too much,” “too emotional,” or “hormonal.”

Anger was seen as loud, messy, or unfeminine — something to avoid, not explore.

Anger: The Emotion Women Are Taught to Avoid

Anger gets a bad rap, especially for women.

From a young age, many girls are conditioned to believe:

• Anger is “unladylike”

• Speaking up is “bossy”

• Having needs is “selfish”

• Expressing frustration makes you “difficult” or “dramatic”

  
  
  
  

So instead of expressing anger, you might:

• Cry, even when you're not sad, just overwhelmed

• Numb out or shut down

• Over-explain and apologise

• Smile and say “It’s fine” when it’s definitely not fine

  
  

This isn’t because you're weak or broken. It's because anger wasn’t made safe for you.

You may have learned early on that anger led to rejection, conflict, or consequences. Maybe when you got angry as a kid, you were told to calm down, be nice, or stop overreacting. Or maybe you just never saw anyone around you express anger healthily. So when it showed up in you, it felt foreign, overwhelming, or even shameful.

Over time, anger became something to suppress or ignore.

What Happens When Anger Gets Suppressed or Repressed

When anger isn’t allowed to be felt, it doesn’t go away. It gets stored in the body, turning into things like:

• 😟 Anxiety

• 😤 Resentment

• 💯 Perfectionism

• 🧠 Burnout

• 😞 Low self-worth

• 👋 People-pleasing (to avoid conflict)

You might even convince yourself, “I’m not angry!” but it comes out in other ways — through passive-aggressive comments, irritability, or sudden tears that feel disproportionate to the moment.

If you’ve ever Googled “why do I cry when I’m angry?” this is why.

Anger Is Not the Problem — It's the Messenger

Anger is not toxic. It’s not a character flaw.

It’s a protective emotion.

Anger shows up to tell us when:

• A boundary has been crossed

• We feel powerless or disrespected

• Something deeply matters to us

When expressed in a healthy way, anger helps you advocate for yourself, protect your energy, and ask for what you need.

It’s not something to fear. It’s a source of power.

Reclaiming Your Right to Be Angry

Many women feel afraid of their own anger. This is understandable if you were never taught that anger is normal and valid.

Healing begins with allowing yourself to feel the anger you’ve been suppressing. It is about unlearning the belief that anger makes you bad or difficult and seeing it as part of being human.

Because sometimes what feels like “too much” is actually just you finally feeling what you were never allowed to before.

💬 What is your relationship with anger like? Do you feel comfortable expressing it? Share your thoughts in the comments below.👇

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