Are You a "Fixer"?

🎶 Bob the Builder, can you fix it?🎶

If you grew up with that song, chances are it’s still lodged somewhere in your brain. But for some of us, “Can you fix it?” has become more than a childhood tune — it’s become a life role.

If you’re always the one jumping in to solve problems, smoothing things over in relationships, or offering advice before anyone’s even asked — you might be the fixer in your friendships, family, or relationships.

Let’s talk about what that really means, and why it’s probably more exhausting than helpful (especially if you’re a recovering people-pleaser).

What does it mean if you are a fixer?

Being a fixer means you’ve taken on the unofficial job of “making everything okay” — often at the expense of your own peace. You might notice yourself:

• Jumping in with solutions before someone’s even finished their sentence.

• Feeling responsible for how others feel or behave.

• Struggling to sit with discomfort — yours or someone else’s.

• Burning out because you’re carrying emotional weight that isn’t yours.

It usually comes from a good place. Many fixers grew up in environments where they had to be helpful to feel safe, loved, or valued. But what starts as a survival skill often turns into a pattern that leaves you last on your own list.

What type of personality is a fixer?

Fixers are often empathic, sensitive, and tuned in to the moods and needs of others. Many grew up in environments where they had to be emotionally mature before their time—maybe they were the peacekeeper in the family, or the one who kept everyone else happy.

Being a fixer often shows up in people who are:

• Anxiously attached — needing to feel useful to stay connected.

• Highly empathetic — feeling other people’s pain like it’s your own.

• People-pleasers — afraid of disappointing others or being “too much” if they set boundaries.

• Oldest daughters (or eldest siblings) — yep, it’s a thing.

It’s not your fault. These patterns usually form for really good reasons. But that doesn’t mean you have to keep carrying them now.

Fixer vs. real helper — what’s the difference?

Helping someone and fixing someone aren’t the same thing. Here’s how to spot the difference:

Fixing	Helping
Comes from anxiety — “I can’t handle their discomfort, so I need to solve it.”	Comes from care — “I’m here to support if they want it.”
Often takes over responsibility	Leaves responsibility with the person
Can feel intrusive or controlling	Feels supportive and respectful
Leaves you drained	Leaves you connected

Real helping empowers the other person. Fixing often accidentally disempowers them — even though the intention was good.

Is being a fixer a good thing?

Here’s the thing: Caring isn’t the problem. Over-responsibility is.

Being someone who wants to support others is beautiful. But if fixing is leaving you exhausted, resentful, or invisible in your own life, it’s time to shift and introduce some boundaries.

Healthy relationships don’t require you to be the emotional janitor. You don’t have to clean up every mess to be worthy of love, care, or belonging. The goal isn’t to stop caring. It’s to care without making someone else’s feelings or choices your responsibility.

So… how do you stop being the fixer?

• Pause before you jump in. Ask: Do they want advice or just someone to listen?

• Let people have their feelings. Discomfort isn’t always yours to solve.

• Remind yourself: You’re not responsible for other people’s growth.

• Start practicing receiving. You deserve care too, not just to give it.

Final thoughts:

You don’t have to retire your inner Bob the Builder completely. But you can take breaks. You can choose to stay present with your own discomfort instead of rushing to rescue others. You can learn to sit with the mess of relationships, knowing you don’t have to be the emotional handyman all the time.

You don’t have to fix everything to be worthy of love. Being valued for who you are — not just for what you can do — is the whole point. It’s safe to put the toolbox down now. 🛠️

If you’re a recovering fixer, what’s one thing that’s helped you break the habit? 🌸