Are You a "Fixer"? The Hidden Link Between People-Pleasing and Fixing People

🎶 Bob the Builder, can you fix it?🎶

If you grew up with that song, chances are it is still lodged somewhere in your brain. For some of us, “Can you fix it?” became more than a childhood tune. It became a life role.

If you are often the one jumping in to solve problems, smoothing things over in relationships, or offering advice before anyone has even asked, you might be the fixer in your friendships, family, or relationships.

Let’s talk about what that really means and why it can leave you feeling drained. (especially if you’re a people-pleaser).

What does it mean if you are a fixer?

Being a fixer means you have taken on the unofficial job of making everything okay. This often comes at the cost of your own peace. You might notice yourself:

• Jumping in with solutions before someone has finished speaking.

• Feeling responsible for how others feel or behave.

• Struggling to sit with discomfort from yourself or others.

• Feeling burnt out from carrying emotional weight that does not belong to you.

Many fixers grew up in environments where they had to be helpful to feel safe, loved, or valued. What began as a way to feel secure can turn into a habit that leaves you placing yourself last.

What type of personality is a fixer?

Fixers are often empathic, sensitive, and highly aware of the moods and needs of others. Many learned to be emotionally mature at a young age. Perhaps you were the peacekeeper in the family or the one who made sure everyone else was happy.

Being a fixer often shows up in people who are:

• Anxiously attached — needing to feel useful to stay connected.

• Highly empathetic — feeling other people’s pain like it’s your own.

• People-pleasers — afraid of disappointing others or being “too much” if they set boundaries.

• Oldest daughters (or eldest siblings) — yep, it’s a thing.

It’s not your fault. These patterns usually form for really good reasons. You are allowed to explore ways of relating that do not rely on them.

Fixer vs. real helper — what’s the difference?

Helping someone and fixing someone aren’t the same thing. Here’s how to spot the difference:

Fixing	Helping
Comes from anxiety — “I can’t handle their discomfort, so I need to solve it.”	Comes from care — “I’m here to support if they want it.”
Often takes over responsibility	Leaves responsibility with the person
Can feel intrusive or controlling	Feels supportive and respectful
Leaves you drained	Leaves you connected

Real helping empowers the other person. Fixing often accidentally disempowers them, even though the intention was good.

Is being a fixer a good thing?

Being someone who wants to support others is beautiful. But if fixing is leaving you exhausted, resentful, or invisible in your own life, it’s time to shift and introduce some boundaries.

Healthy relationships don’t require you to be the emotional janitor. You don’t have to clean up every mess to be worthy of love, care, or belonging. The goal isn’t to stop caring. It’s to care without making someone else’s feelings or choices your responsibility.

So… how do you stop being the fixer?

• Pause before you jump in. Ask: Do they want advice or just someone to listen?

• Let people have their feelings. Discomfort isn’t always yours to solve.

• Remind yourself: You’re not responsible for other people’s growth.

• Start practicing receiving. You deserve care too, not just to give it.

Final thoughts:

You don’t have to retire your inner Bob the Builder completely. But you can take breaks. You can choose to stay present with your own discomfort instead of rushing to rescue others. You can learn to sit with the mess of relationships, knowing you don’t have to be the emotional handyman all the time.

You don’t have to fix everything to be worthy of love. You are worthy of love and connection simply for who you are. It’s safe to put the toolbox down now. 🛠️

If you’re a recovering fixer, what’s one thing that’s helped you break the habit? 🌸