Perfectionism Is Exhausting—Here’s How to Let Go Without Falling Apart

Perfectionism isn’t the flex we once thought it was. Sure, striving for high standards can seem admirable, but when it’s driven by anxiety, fear of failure, or the need to constantly prove yourself, it becomes a heavy weight to carry. If you’re a millennial woman who’s constantly chasing gold stars, struggling to switch off, or spiralling into self-doubt every time something isn’t just right—you’re not alone, and it’s not your fault.

What Is a Perfectionist Person Like?

Picture this: you’ve rewritten that email ten times, second-guessed every word in a text, or spent hours trying to “get it right” only to still feel anxious about it. Perfectionists often set really high standards for themselves (and sometimes others), have a deep fear of failure, and struggle to feel satisfied even after achieving something. There’s this inner voice that whispers, “You could’ve done better.”

It’s not about wanting to do well—that’s healthy striving. It’s about tying your worth to your output and feeling anxious, guilty, or ashamed when things aren’t flawless. When you’re not flawless (yes, trying to have perfect emotions is a thing).

What’s the Root Cause of Perfectionism?

Perfectionism doesn’t just show up one day. For many, it starts in childhood. Maybe praise was tied to achievements. Maybe mistakes weren’t safe. Maybe being the “good kid” was how you got love or kept the peace.

So, your brain made the connection: being perfect = being safe/loved/valued. That pattern sticks. And suddenly, you’re 30 and can’t relax unless everything is ticked off your to-do list and colour-coded.

Is Perfectionism a Mental Health Disorder?

Not officially, but it’s closely linked to anxiety, depression, burnout, and low self-esteem. It can be incredibly exhausting to live with. When perfectionism is running the show, rest feels undeserved, productivity becomes self-worth, and mistakes feel like personal failures. It's not just a “quirk”—it can seriously impact your mental health and relationships if left unchecked.

How to Stop Being So Perfectionist (Without Spiralling)

❤️ Notice your inner critic – Get curious about that voice that says, “You’re not doing enough.” Challenge it with kindness.

⏳ Rest without guilt – Your worth isn’t tied to how productive you are. Rest is not a reward—it’s a need.

😌 Lower the stakes – Everything doesn’t have to be perfect to be valuable. Done is often better than perfect.

🛑 Practice being imperfect on purpose – Yep. Send the email with a typo. Wear the outfit that’s a bit bold. Let someone see you before you’ve got it all together.

🧠 Talk to a therapist – Perfectionism is usually protecting something deeper, and therapy can help you untangle it and build a healthier relationship with yourself.

Final Thoughts

Perfectionism is sneaky. It often disguises itself as ambition or high standards, but underneath it is usually fear—of being judged, of not being enough, of losing love or control. But you’re allowed to be a whole human. Messy, brilliant, tired, joyful, imperfect—you.

So tell me—what’s one small thing you can let be good enough today?

People-Pleasing Starts as Parent-Pleasing

Ever find yourself saying yes when you really want to say no, especially when it comes to your parents? Many millennial women know this pattern well. People-pleasing often starts at home. More specifically, it begins with our parents. For many of us, people-pleasing first showed up as parent-pleasing.

When you were younger, did you feel like your worth was tied to being the “good girl”? The helpful one? The child who kept the peace, didn’t rock the boat, made mum or dad proud? That’s not a coincidence. That’s conditioning. And it’s where so many of our people-pleasing patterns begin.

What is Parent-Pleasing, Really?

Parent-pleasing happens when your sense of worth feels tied to meeting your parents’ expectations. It might have shown up in doing everything right, hiding your feelings, or avoiding conflict. Over time, this creates the belief that love and approval depend on what you do, not who you are.

As adults, this pattern often continues. You may say yes when you want to say no. You may feel pressure to explain your choices. You may avoid difficult conversations. Underneath, there is often a fear of disappointing someone or being rejected.

So... What’s the Root Cause of People-Pleasing?

It’s not just about wanting to be liked (although, yes, that too). It’s often about safety and connection. As kids, we learn that approval = love and disapproval = disconnection. So we adapt. We become who we think we need to be to keep our caregivers close and the vibe calm.

That pattern doesn’t just disappear when we grow up. It sticks around, especially in relationships where we feel vulnerable, romantic ones, work dynamics, and friendships. The fear of disappointing someone can still feel huge.

Is People-Pleasing a Red Flag?

It’s not a red flag in the dramatic, throw-the-whole-person-away sense. But it is a sign that something deeper might be going on, usually around boundaries, self-worth, or unhealed relational dynamics. If your default mode is over-functioning for others while abandoning your own needs, it’s worth getting curious about where that comes from.

And no, it doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means your nervous system learned a strategy that worked once, but maybe isn’t working so well anymore.

Is People-Pleasing a Trauma Response?

For many, yes. If you grew up in an environment where love or safety felt uncertain, people-pleasing may have been how you coped. It might have meant stepping into a caretaker role, shrinking to avoid criticism, or constantly managing the emotions of others.

It’s a really smart survival strategy. These responses made sense at the time. They helped you feel secure. But now they may be keeping you from expressing your full self.

Final Thoughts

If you see yourself in this, you’re not alone. Many millennial women are recognising that people-pleasing began as a way to feel safe in childhood and that it no longer serves them in adulthood. Change is possible. You can unlearn the patterns, step into authenticity, and create relationships where you do not have to over-give in order to belong.

Understanding Boundaries: What They Are and Why They Matter

What Do We Mean by Boundaries?

Boundaries, aka the invisible force field that protects your well-being, time, and energy. They define what you’re comfortable with and set the standard for how others treat you. Think of them like an emotional picket fence; you get to decide who has access and how close they get.

Without boundaries, relationships can feel exhausting, one-sided, or straight-up stressful. Cue resentment, burnout, and feeling like you’re giving more than you get. But with clear, healthy boundaries? You create relationships that feel safe, balanced, and actually enjoyable.

For millennial women who struggle with people-pleasing, boundaries can feel so uncomfortable. Saying no? Cue the guilt. Prioritising your needs? Feels selfish. Worrying that setting limits will upset someone? Relatable. But here’s the truth: boundaries aren’t about pushing people away, they’re about making space for the relationships (including the one with yourself) that truly matter.

What Are the 7 Types of Boundaries?

🚧 Physical Boundaries: Your comfort level with personal space and touch.

e.g., “I’m not a hugger.”)

💭Emotional Boundaries: Protect your feelings and emotional energy.

(e.g., “I love you, but I can’t be your go-to venting person every day.”)

⏳Time Boundaries: How you prioritise your time and commitments.

(e.g., “I’m fully booked this week.”)

🧠Intellectual Boundaries: Respecting differing opinions and ideas.

(e.g., “Let’s agree to disagree on that topic.”)

💰Material Boundaries: What you’re okay with sharing.

(e.g., “I don’t lend out my car.”)

❤️‍🔥Sexual Boundaries: Relate to physical intimacy and personal comfort.

(e.g., “I need more time before taking this step in a relationship.”)

📧 Work Boundaries: Help manage workload and prevent burnout.

(e.g., “I am unavailable for emails after work hours.”)

What Are the 3 Personal Boundaries?

While all boundaries are important, three key personal boundaries can be especially helpful for people-pleasers:

1. Saying No Without Over-Explaining 🙅‍♀️

   You don’t owe anyone a detailed justification. “No, I can’t” is a full sentence.

2. Protecting Your Emotional Energy 🛑

   Not everyone deserves unlimited access to your time and emotions. Choose where you invest your energy wisely.

3. Setting Communication Limits 📵

   You don’t have to be available 24/7. Whether in relationships, friendships, or work. It’s okay to mute notifications and reply when you feel like it.

How to Set Healthy Boundaries

If setting boundaries feels uncomfortable, here are ways to begin:

✅ INotice where you feel drained – When something regularly leaves you feeling exhausted, a boundary can help.

✅ Communicate clearly and kindly – Keep your words simple and direct without the need to explain further.

✅ Enforce your boundaries – If limits are not respected, repeat them as needed.

✅ Practice self-compassion – Prioritising your wellbeing is valid and necessary. Saying no to others often means saying yes to yourself.

Final Thoughts

Boundaries aren’t about shutting people out; they’re about building relationships that feel good for everyone involved. Setting them is a way of saying, “I value myself, and I want this relationship to feel healthy.” 💕

I’d love to hear from you. What is one boundary you are focusing on right now? Share it below 👇✨